Nightfall is the beginning of the day in Jewish tradition, Saturday night the beginning of the week. When I lived in an observant community, people wished each other shavua tov, a good week, after saying goodbye to the day of rest, Shabbat, with blessings over wine, aromatic spices and the flame of the candle. The spices because we want to bring some of the sweetness of the sacred into the profane, we want to infuse our everyday with some of the beauty of the transcendent. It used to be a time when I would set affirmations for the coming week, think of what I intended to accomplish and who I wanted to be. I have not done that in years, but as the sun set this particular Saturday night, in this time of High Holy days, I was drawn to that spirit. I want to be kind and generous.
I welcomed my Saturday date in that intention, beholding and appreciative of the Officer’s kind and generous nature. There is a fantastic local cafe in the Enchanted Lake shopping center in Kailua, the Food Company, where by the candlelight we sipped our red wine and feasted on burgundy glazed short ribs and herb encrusted rack of lamb. It was exactly 6 months since we have met and many journeys later I do not know where we are going but I know how far we have come.
We started living together only two days after meeting, in the Waikiki Marriott. He just arrived on the island, a Navy man about to move into his purchased apartment. I was taking care of an evangelical Christian Trump-supporting family and was on the verge of breaking down. He held me in his arms tightly and at first I thought I was saved. But the depression and anxiety struck powerfully with a vengeance and self-destruction and self-sabotage obscured the happy man in front of me. Normalcy was suffocating so I started suicidal ideation instead of allowing myself to enjoy life. Two temporary rentals and many destructive nights later, many nights of being held as I sobbed, patience tested to the degree I am ashamed to admit, I knew that we could not continue and right before the move to his own place I moved out. We did not speak for a month and in the dark of the night I had to confront my own demons. Reunited, he told me he is not in love with me anymore and the realization of self-fulling prophecy hurt incredibly. I felt unlovable and so I pushed love away. But things are different now. I am not drinking to oblivion pretending I don’t care. I am taking my medication and going to therapy. I am soaking in every moment we spend together fully appreciative of his wit, intelligence and kindness. When he holds me I don’t want to be anywhere else. I hope that his heart opens again. I hope he can trust me with his heart again.
In the 6 months of knowing the Officer I have learned the importance of self-love, self-care and grounding activities. In our Saturday date I focused on staying present as each moment unfolded. After wonderful dinner we headed from the windward side to UH Manoa for the culmination of a 24 hour play festival--premiere of 6 short plays written and directed by theatre students in the 24 hours prior. There was one of a mother stricken by grief, not being able to see the surviving son, with eyes to the past only. Another of a strange clairvoyant man, childlike in his simplicity, an alien creature connecting with us humans despite scepticism and fear. Then an awkward encounter on the bus, chronicling the difficulty of genuine conversation and the importance of always staying true to ourselves. Another play was a series of airport conversations between a son who just lost his father and those he encounters. One of the most poignant moments was an attempt to recreate the gesture of drinking coffee just so in memory of the father by a stranger, ultimately a futile attempt, only underlying the unique nature of each individual. Finally there was a physical and verbal mime skit pushing a wall that is only imaginary and an imagined interaction between the sailor and the nurse from the famous kiss photograph of Victory day at the end of World War ll. My Officer and I enjoyed the tenderness of human connection on stage but neither of us liked the last act, a brutish sailor forcing himself on a bashful woman. The jokes of extraterrestrials stayed with us the rest of the night.
The final point in our journey on the 6 month anniversary was another key Oahu location, his apartment in Waikiki. In a sweet end of the night, I watched him assemble the bed frame on which we were to sleep for the first time together. Warmed by the wine and the music and his gentle touch I fell asleep with love on my lips. The beginning of the week could not have been more perfect, especially as we awoke only a few hours later to see his beloved Tom Brady return the first time in the season. Where we are in the world, some games are at 7 in the morning and such was ours. Still sleepy sipping on my bloody Mary I listened to patient and thorough explanations and smiled with happiness as he stroke my arm while cheering. It was another spectator moment, but completely together arm in arm, I did not know that watching football could be as romantic as holding hands in the Kennedy theatre. But that’s what happens when you are paying attention, you see all of the sparks of light that come into our life and as we walked through the sun drenched streets of Waikiki when the Patriots won, he acknowledged we are still hanging out because I have changed. Falling into a cuddly nap in the afternoon as the first day was drawing to a close, I knew that this day in a life was perfect in the kindness and generosity of the heart in Kailua, Manoa and Waikiki, in theatre of cuisine, fiction, sport and life in the arms of love.